Who I Am With You
by allaboardellieexpress
Summary: Hanna is spiraling down fast and sees no way out. She's pushing everyone away from her and is drowning her pain in alcohol. Her relationship with Emily is going downhill fast. Will her relationship be resolved or will Alison take everything away from her? Will Emily see what's been in front of her this entire time? Hannily is endgame. TW: alcohol abuse&self-harm.
1. Chapter 1

~Hanna's POV~

She was completely lost and was spiraling down fast. Days lasted longer than she would have liked it seemed. Alcohol was her best friend more these days than Spencer, Aria, and Emily. Thinking of Emily made her cringe. It was like ever since Alison came back she has been bending to her every whim and falling right back into the trap she laid before she faked her death. Hanna did not care for the reason she did so, nor did she care for Alison in general. She hated Alison. Every fiber of her being could not bring itself to even feel the least bit of remorse for her. She remembered everything that the other blonde made her do. The way she would make her feel. To make things worse Mona told her a couple of weeks ago that she made her into an Alison clone. That she made her into the one person she never ever wanted to become. This sickened her. The thoughts of everything she had ever done since Alison's fake disappearance brought on a bout of a feeling of not knowing who she was anymore. She changed her attire, got black highlights in her hair, drank a lot, and tried to ignore Emily and Alison as much as possible.

Walking down the school's hallways made Hanna feel nothing but hatred. Every single step she took the memories of her past came back to haunt her and all she wanted right now more than anything was a beer in her hand and lying on her bed listening to every depressing song she had ever downloaded. She was tired and she wanted to get away from this hell-hole as soon as possible. Unfortunately graduation was still months away. That meant having to relive this never ending nightmare over and over and having to lay her head at night in a place she once called "home". Gathering her History book out of her locker she turned around just in time to see Spencer, Aria, Emily, and Alison making their way towards her. She rolled her eyes underneath her sunglasses and pulled her beanie down farther to cover more of her forehead. She was hungover and really did not want to deal with them. Not now, and quite possibly not ever.

"Hanna. Where have you been? Spence and I stopped by your house this morning to give you a ride but your mom said you had already left." Aria spoke this with a worried tone. Hanna sighed and slammed her locker door without looking directly at them. Not that they could tell. Her eyes were being shielded and she could not be anymore grateful for that. "No offense Han, but you look like hell."

She scoffed and held her history book tighter to her chest. This felt more like a gang up than best friends trying to ask questions for her well-being. It was making her uncomfortable. Sighing one more time she turned around and ignored Aria's question and the yells from Spencer. Turning the corner she let out a few tears before angrily wiping them away. She would not allow herself to cry in front of people. She would not allow herself to cry over two people who obviously did not give a damn about her. No matter how hard she tried the tears never stopped. They kept running down her cheeks one by one. Clutching the book tighter to her chest she began to sob out loud.

She eventually found the girl's restroom and made sure no one else was in there. She locked the door and made her way towards the stall farthest from the door. Sitting on the floor she pulled out the flask and the razor she had hidden in her purse. She laid them on the restroom floor and stared at them for a few minutes. A little voice inside her head said not to do it, but she ignored it and grabbed the flask downing the whiskey she put in there the night before. It was almost empty before she put the lid back on and laid in back down next to the razor. Staring at it made her head hurt and her chest felt like it was going to suffocate her. Her chest began to rise and fall faster every time she inhaled and exhaled. She had to do it. It was becoming her daily habit and she had no means to quit anytime soon. This razor had became her kryptonite along with the alcohol. She grabbed it slowly and held it in her right hand just staring at it. She pulled the long sleeve up on her left arm and stared at her wrist. It was adorned with many cuts. Some old and some new. She took the razor and slid it across her wrist. She closed her eyes and allowed the feeling to wash over her.

**~after school~**

Hanna closed the front door of her house and made her way towards her room where she planned to stay the entire night. It was a Friday and she was suppose to be making her way to Spencer's where they were all going to have a sleepover. She had other plans in mind. Having to see Emily's and Alison's face was not something she wanted to do at the moment. She was sick of seeing Alison and hearing her name. She already told the girls that if she heard that name brought up in her house one more time she would not allow them to come back. Threatening them must have worked because they have not done it since. It did not mean she did not get glares from them and questions afterwards. Like always she ignored them and went about her way as if nothing was wrong. The truth is everything is wrong.

Lying down on her bed she winced when her wrist hit the bed a little harder than was meant. Ignoring the pain though she allowed herself to let out a few more tears before closing her eyes. Emily meant so much to Hanna and having Alison come back and whisk her away like everything they have been through the past two years was nothing made Hanna cry harder. She curled herself into a ball and allowed herself to fall asleep.

She awoke three hours later and by now it was a quarter past six. She sat up in her bed rubbing her eyes before grabbing her phone off of the nightstand. She groaned when she saw that she had two missed calls from Spencer and one missed call from Aria. She did not want to deal with them. She turned her phone off and threw it across her bed in hopes it would just crawl away and never come back. The one thing she loved so much was now the one thing she hated so much. The pain she did not want to feel coursed through her once more and she bit her lip in order to not let the tears fall this time. The one person whom she wanted to care for her was in fact not caring at all. She shook her head and made her way downstairs to find something light to eat.

Emily did not speak to her nor did she text her to see if she was coming or if she was all right. This alone hurt Hanna more than she would ever admit. Her feelings were all over the place. Maybe this was something she had to experience in life in order to find who she was and what she was meant to do. She and Emily may be in a relationship, but their relationship was anything but healthy. Hanna knew that Emily still had feelings for Alison and that her spending more and more time with her was going to ultimately lead to them getting together and her breaking things off with her. She knew this deep down and that was why she was doing what she was. It was a lot easier to deal with the pain now than having to deal with it later. She needed to find herself now in order to be able to take Emily leaving her for her first love. Why did everything always lead back to Alison? She hated her so much and she knew that would never change. Even though she was anticipating their break up, she knew that no matter how hard she tried it would still hurt all the same. Their relationship coming to an end would break her more than what she is breaking right now. This fact alone scared Hanna. She was already going down a destructive path with no one she felt comfortable talking to about anything with. She was alone. No one really cared for drunk Hanna. Truth was—she did not either.

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><p>*AN: So like I know I said I was only doing one story at a time, but I could not resist! Hannily is like my main otp next to Haleb and I just cannot get enough of these two. This story will start off angsty and all that stuffs but it will eventually turn around. Hannily is endgame...there is nothing else needed to be said lol. I am not an Emison shipper, so sorry for the very little EmilyAlison interaction there will be in the rest of the chapters. Mentions of Alison will happen, of course, but as far as her being the main focus of this story...not going to happen XD. Anyway hope you enjoyed. :3


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews lovelies! It is what keeps me going and motivated. xoxo **

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><p><strong>~Emily's POV~<strong>

How did she and Hanna's relationship end up like this? A part of her knew it was because of a certain blonde haired girl who ended up being not dead after all, but another part of her knew the deepest truth as to why she and Hanna were not on speaking terms at the moment. Closing her Physics textbook she let out a long sigh and ran her hand through her hair. It had been a long week and she needed time to herself to situate her thoughts. Ever since Alison came back she had been super needy and clinged onto her as if she was a lost puppy. At first she held feelings on whether she should trust her or not. One look into Alison's eyes and it was like she melted. How could she say no her? This was what made everything with Hanna so hard. She loved Hanna, but she loved Alison as well. She knew it was not fair to either of them to keep stringing back and forth, and deep down she knew what she was doing was wrong.

Lying down on her bed she ignored the text messages from her friends -even Alison. She closed her eyes and let out a few tears. Hanna had been nothing but good to her these past two months. They had their first kiss in this very room. It was soft but it was full of passion and love. She knew Hanna loved her and there was no doubt about it. Ever since Alison came back though she had changed drastically. The drinking part is what made her lose her cool. How dare she come over to my house for dinner drinking? Emily sat up and wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks. The guilt was eating her alive. A few nights ago Alison called her saying she was having trouble sleeping. Her being the nice and caring one told her to come over to her house. They ended up kissing that night and the words from Alison still rang in her mind. It was wrong what she did. She is still in a relationship with someone who could change the world with just her smile. If only she would let it show more. Emily felt as if Hanna did not give herself enough credit. She was brilliant and smart. Something she was sure Hanna did not even know yet herself.

Emily grabbed her phone and her car keys. She needed to see Hanna and figure out where the hell they stood in their relationship. Just the thought of Hanna ending it would devastate her. She knew it would not be acceptable for her to lash out in anger, but the idea of losing her as not only a girlfriend but as a friend as well was heartbreaking. She turned the keys in the ignition and backed out of her driveway. It was already a long day and this soon-to-be conversation could either make it or break it.

**~At Hanna's House~**

After what seemed like days the front of the house she had been to so many times before opened. Ashley Marin in her usual work attire was standing there with a genuine smile on her face.

"Emily. Come on in. Hanna's upstairs but I must say she isn't much for talking these days. Of course I'm her mother so she'll probably make an exception for you."

Emily nodded her head and listened intently to the redhead's words. _I doubt that_. "Thanks Mrs. Marin." She nodded her head once more and began treading up the staircase. Once she was at Hanna's door her heart began to pound. If she wasn't already nervous before it was clearly showing now. She needed to snap out of it. This was Hanna here. This was not some random stranger she had to meet to try and pry information out of to figure who -A is. This was her best friend—her _girlfriend_. She raised her hand to knock and then decided against it. Opening the door her eyes grew wide and her face held nothing but a shocked expression.

"Hanna what the hell!?" She closed the door before she said this and locked it. She was praying right now that Hanna's mom did not hear her outburst. That was not the only thing she was rushing to pray about. She made her way over to Hanna who was sitting on the bed and kneeled down in front of her. She looked down at Hanna's wrist and then back up to the eyes of someone who was broken. The pain behind the blue eyes that once held nothing but sparkles and happiness was void. There was nothing there. "Hanna, baby why are you doing this?" Her own eyes began to fill up with tears. All this time figuring out her feelings she failed to notice her girlfriend's cry for help. Emily knew right then she had been selfish. Something sparked inside of her and she knew that even though Alison needed her help Hanna needed her help more. She was going to stand by her side and help her through it too.

She gently grabbed Hanna's left wrist and stared at the blood that was now beginning to dry. She then took the razor that was in Hanna's other hand and then sat down beside the blonde whom had not said a word or moved an inch since she got there. "Look at me Hanna." Her voice cracked but she had to hold back the tears. She had to be strong for her girlfriend.

"Go." When Hanna said this Emily felt a few tears she tried so hard to keep back fall. The way Hanna said this simple word broke her heart. Pain was consuming her and the more minutes went by the more guilt kept eating at her. How could she not have seen the signs? Why was not she more observant? Hanna's different attitude, drinking, and change of clothing style should have been enough but she was not allowing herself to see beneath the mask. In all honesty it scared her to do so because that meant she was in too deep and Alison had been gaining her attention more and more it seemed.

"I'm not going anywhere Hanna. I'm not leaving your side ever again." In the blink of an eye blue eyes met her brown ones and the tears flowing down Hanna's face made time seem to stop.

"You've left me once before. Why is this time any different? I'm not some charity case and I don't need your help. I've been doing just fine on my own." Emily shook her head and looked down once more at Hanna's wrist before something came over her. It was simply love.

"Because I know now I messed up. I was selfish and I let you go. I didn't care for you or love you when you needed me most. I allowed myself to be sucked into Alison's whirlpool of pain and lies and I didn't stand by you." Emily noticed Hanna flinch at the mention of the other blonde's name but she ignored it for right now. Right now her top priority was to get Hanna through this. "This time is different because I know where my heart lies. My heart is yours Hanna. It always has been. It just took me until now to see that. I know that's a lame excuse and I'm not expecting you to understand right now so quickly. I just want you to know that every tear that falls from your eyes, every pain you feel, every time you feel like this razor and alcohol is the answer-I'm gonna be right here beside you and help you through everything. I'm gonna love you through it. I'll spend all the time the world allows for me to make it up to you." Sighing she wiped her tears away and softly placed a few stray hairs from Hanna's head behind her ears. She softly ran her thumb across Hanna's face and wiped the tears that were there away. "The real question here is are you going to let me?" She did not want to push Hanna, but she really could not leave her even if she was denied helping her.

Emily could make out the smallest nod coming from her girlfriend and she allowed hope and happiness to float through her briefly. She was not happy about the state Hanna was in, but she was happy that maybe somewhere along the way they could fix this broken relationship and turn it back into something far more beautiful than it was before this debacle. She stood up and pulled Hanna up with her. "Let's go clean this up and bandage it, okay? Then we can watch The Notebook and order pizza. No alcohol though." Seeing the faintest smile appear on Hanna's face made the atmosphere a little less tense.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Sorry for taking so long to update! I broke my ankle falling down the stairs and I've been sick. Joy lol. Anyway, hope this chapter makes up for it! Happy Holidays and enjoy ;) R&R please!

**~Hanna's POV~**

The time seemed to drag on in English class. Hanna kept staring at the clock but the time kept getting slower and slower it seemed. While lost in her thoughts she thought back to everything that had happened since a week ago when Emily came to her house and devoted time and love to her. She honestly knew deep down Emily was going to keep to her word, and so far she had. Emily came over whenever she could and made sure they did things together to keep her mind off of anything and everything. Did that mean she was instantly healed or something? Absolutely not. A depressed person does not become miraculously better just because someone steps in and loves them. It was so hard not to pick up the razor and flask and do what she would have done a week before.

That did not mean she did not slip up time-to-time. Most nights she would call Emily in the middle of the night crying her eyes out because the temptations were all to surreal for her. Emily would come running into her room holding her telling her everything was going to be all right. The first thing that popped into her mind was that Emily was going to yell at her and give up on her. She did the exact opposite. She loved her through it and held her hand telling her she was never going to leave her side. This alone made Hanna's heart feel overwhelmed with guilt. Somehow she felt like she was bringing Emily down with her. She could not understand how someone could stay with someone who was as broken as she was.

The bell eventually rang and Hanna was released from her thoughts. She grabbed her textbook and made her way towards her locker. Lunch was next and honestly the idea of food made her want to vomit. There was no denying Hanna was the one to go to for food advice or food in general, but right now all she wanted to do was go home and crawl underneath her bed covers. Before she shut her locker she felt arms envelop her from around her waist and she felt herself calm down. Leaning back into the embrace she shut her eyes and took a minute to relish in the feelings it brought her. Somehow Emily's touch made everything seem like it was going to be all right if only for a little while. Hanna eventually opened her eyes and looked across her shoulder into gorgeous brown eyes that captivated her. Those brown eyes were her release –her safe haven. Little did she know Emily was thinking the same thing about hers.

"Hey there beautiful. How are you feeling today?" Hanna thought about Emily's question and decided lying was not going to help anything anymore. They already had too many lies floating in their lives anyway.

"I'm better than usual. I just have a headache and my appetite is long gone." Hanna shrugged her shoulders and managed to turn around so she was now facing her _girlfriend._ Saying that in her head or out loud still sent shivers down her spine. It was something she was quite sure she would probably never get use to saying.

Emily's small smile reassured her that no matter what she felt Emily was not going to judge her. She leaned her head into Emily's hand that was now resting on her left cheek after running it through her blonde locks first. "I love you. You know that, right?" I could not help but roll my eyes and let out a small laugh. It was not much but somehow hearing her say that just brought butterflies to my stomach.

"I know. I love you too." Hanna leaned up and brushed her lips softly against Emily's before giving her a gentle kiss. Feeling Emily reciprocate the kiss made Hanna's worries fleet away. She did not care that they were kissing in the middle of the hallway. Half the students were already in the cafeteria anyway by now. Hanna eventually pulled back and looked into Emily's eyes. What she saw there was nothing but love. Hanna hoped her eyes showed the exact same thing when Emily looked into them because that was all she was feeling right now. A few more minutes passed before Hanna let herself out of Emily's grasp. "I guess we should go get something to eat as well. I'll just get something small like fruit." She did not want Emily to worry too much about her than she already did. Hanna figured at least she was eating something instead of nothing at all. They made their way to the cafeteria and after both of them got what they wanted they made their way to their infamous table. Hanna checked her cell phone and before she took two more steps she saw Emily come to a halt right beside her. She looked up confused and Hanna followed her girlfriend's gaze. Sitting there at their table with Spencer and Aria was none other than Alison herself. Hanna swallowed the lump in her throat and bit her lip trying to not let her emotions show. She did not know where Emily and Alison stood in regards to their relationship but she knew for sure she wanted nothing to do with the malicious blonde.

Hanna noticed the shocked looks on Spencer and Aria's faces as well before looking up at Emily. It was like reading Shakespeare. All the words and expressions were there but reading it and comprehending what is being portrayed was the hard part. "Em?" Hanna managed to get out the nickname she gave her and looked back at Alison. "Say something, Em. Please?" Emily then looked at her and all Hanna saw in them was confusion and pain. Hanna knew Alison was Emily's first love. That is not what upset her. What upset her was the fact alone that seeing Alison always stirred something up in them. How can someone who is suppose to be their best friend bring so many mixed emotions? "Do you still love her Emily?" As soon as the question left her mouth she instantly regretted it. The look on Emily's face brought more guilt than she would ever admit. "Forget I asked that." It was too late though. Emily shook her head and Hanna could feel the anger radiating off of her.

"Of course I don't still love her, Hanna. I'm dating you. I chose you." Hanna now felt anger rise inside of her.

"You make it sound like I'm a charity case or something. What? Is helping me too much for you because I'm not asking for your help. I can help myself, Emily!" Hanna did not realize her voice escalated until she calmed down and noticed everyone was looking at the two of them. She felt her heart speed up and she threw the apple and water bottle she was carrying in the trash before running out. She could not handle all the stares and whispers. Before she would have basked in the attention, but now, it was like some kind of trigger for a panic attack. She heard Emily, Spencer, and Aria yell out her name but she ignored them. Deep down Hanna knew that as long as Alison was around nothing was ever going to be right. She was always going to be that insecure girl who became bulimic all because of her being what Alison called "Hefty Hanna". Hanna ran as far as she could before she dropped down to her knees and began to sob. The tree leaves surrounding her that were blowing in the wind was the only sound traveling through the air. She was alone. Something she had not been able to do since a week before. The two things she so desperately wanted to do right now were the two things she promised Emily she would never do again. The temptations were so hard though. Blaming Alison could only take her so far because she was responsible for her own actions. That did not mean blaming someone else was hard. It was the admitting to yourself you have a problem part that she pushed far back into her mind. She was not going to admit that anytime soon.

She did not have a problem. She was just tired of everything. Hanna got up off the ground after several minutes of sobbing and wiped the tears away from her face. Lashing out at Emily was a stupid thing to do and she needed to apologize. Emily was everything to her. She was her rock and someone she knew would help her no matter what. Dialing the familiar number she leaned against a tree and prayed she would answer. When Emily said her name Hanna broke down into tears once more. Allowing herself to gain a few needed breaths she managed to say something that she knew would always be true. "Em..Em, I need you."


End file.
